And they'll either look at me like I'm a posh wanker jet-setting back to a private getaway or tell me it sounds like something from the TV show Lost, before inevitably asking me if my brother is also my dad.
Sometimes people go to London, become semi-successful and are absolute wankers when they come back to Nottingham, acting like they're James Brown or something.
"Yes" I reply, "Because all black people only live in Africa you mother pussbucket wanker!" They then backed away, muttered to each other in Russian until one of them had an 'eureka!' moment.
And how about the cruel perfection of this description of literary academics: "A group of wankers huddled in a circle, backs turned to the world so that no one could see them pulling each other off".
"Why don't you all fuck off back to London, you wankers!" Well, there were people playing table tennis outside and it was nearly midnight.
Kazim-Richards admitted making a "wanker gesture", but said it was behind his back so the referee did not see him and it was only "banter" with fans.
And, in a rather more welcome but equally complicated development, Eva meets Alexander, a dreadlocked painter and odd-job man who turned his back on a career as a "wanker banker" after writing off a high-performance car and killing his wife in the process.
Cameron hit back after Brand called him a "filthy, dirty, posh wanker" and suggested he cut benefits because he "doesn't know how to fuck properly".
Juli Weiner: I thought it was mature and brave of Kathryn to put her children before her wanker (this is "The Guardian"!) husband by asking Jessa to come back, but then she totally lost me on the part about Jessa's future maybe isn't as cool as she'd once hoped.
He recalls a friend coming round to his house once, whom he had hoped to cast in his series, "and he was really nice and sweet for about 20 minutes, and then he went to the loo and came back and started telling me for about an hour what a wanker I was.
