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To me, that seems like an extraordinary burden to place on the grieving person.
The negative emotions can often involve feelings of sorrow about things the grieving person now wishes he or she could have done, or guilt about mistakes or things not done.
"Certain statements don't take into account what the grieving person is feeling," Reidenberg said.
When you recall fond memories of the person who died, it makes the grieving person feel good that others also cared deeply about his dear one.
"Statements like these end up sending a message to the grieving person 'hide your sadness' or "'it's not okay to be sad,'" Reidenberg said.
Place an open chair opposite the grieving person and ask him or her to imagine the deceased person sitting in that chair.
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What Hekster is putting importance on is the sensory experience, however unpleasant: the physical touch of another grieving person, the smell of the earth mixing with your aunt's perfume, being able to look around and see the faces of people who loved the deceased as much as you did.
I imagine this was the mourner's one-stop-shopping haven; a grieving person could pick up the necessary black shoes, hat, gloves, or armbands in a single shopping trip, attended by discreetly hushed sales clerks.
As a society, we are not particularly open or comfortable in this situation; it's a great help to have people who can cut through the awful awkwardness that too often surrounds a grieving person, someone who knows what to say.
Unless you're directly in a grieving person's shoes, it is difficult to understand the magnitude of loss the person grieving feels.
The past year has given me my own guidelines on speaking to a grieving person.
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Justyna Jupowicz-Kozak
CEO of Professional Science Editing for Scientists @ prosciediting.com