A unique valediction for Graeme Smith from Tarr Sam: "Graeme Smith has been a big awkward sod at the top of the order who has scored a lot of big awkward sodding runs - however he's a big awkward sod I would always have in my side.
I'm bloody To the Manor Born, aren't I? My whole sodding life is To the Manor poxy Born!
"Who do you think is worse," he once asked delegates at a commonwealth conference, "Sonny bloody Ramphal or Ma sodding Gandhi?" Nor did Sir Denis rejoice after paying a post-victory visit to the Falkland Islands, commenting: "We sure as hell didn't go there for the real estate.
It's a stupid sodding thing to do.
The compensation – and it was considerable – was writing something that showed the whole sodding fucking world who he was and what he could do.
At one stage in Dancing in the Dark he reacts to his brother's dismissal of his authorial aspirations with an internal outburst: "I'll bloody show the whole sodding fucking world who I am and what I am made of.
On no account say to whoever's idea it was, "I told you it was bloody silly to give that sodding dog a present, let alone hang it on the tree".
I'm not sure if Mr Green favours sonnets or traditional ballads; perhaps he should try his hand at haiku as well ("The treacherous ball/ dribbles though my hands like water/ Oh sodding hell").
This is the very essence of the Christmas spirit because it will wake people up and then you can scream, "Oh God, oh God, oh no, the sodding TURKEY!" then count to three, then call up, "Only joking!
The ham that... Oh God, oh God, oh no the sodding HAM! 2200 Night night.
Bringing in the sodding police, who'll expect chai just for answering the phone.
