There were sets for spinsters, boxes commemorating the First World War (contents: naval and military headdress, iron crosses, a Kaiser moustache and shells), even crackers for Masons.
In person, however, Spall is quite the Dickensian dandy, resplendent in a pinstriped waistcoat, with mutton-chop sideburns and a Brillo-pad moustache.
You say this is an "annual" problem, which suggests you buy dresses every year which - oh ho! - suggests you have dresses already in your wardrobe, she says in a Belgian accent, with a waggle of her waxed moustache.
In case that was too easy, the author had also written in a moustache.
The moustache was halfway up my left cheek at an angle of 45 degrees.
The other way to get there, of course, is despite the impediment of a big mouth or an idiotic moustache, and fortunately for David Warner, he has both.
It certainly proved one thing – that Johnson was right to regrow his moustache, whatever objections his wife, Jessica, had to it (I assume they involved kissing, but I don't like to pry).
Superstition aside – well, maybe not that far aside – Johnson's moustache feels like it has played a major part in his comeback.
But risible dialogue ("I feel this Tartar woman is for me, and my blood says, 'take her'") and the duke's efforts to pass as Asian with a Fu Manchu moustache and furry cap convinced no one, least of all Wayne, who was quoted saying the moral was "not to make an ass of yourself trying to play parts you're not suited for".
The last line of my letter was: 'I like your moustache, how did you get your job?' He wrote back and said do your GCSEs, do A-Levels, do a degree but not in media, then do a post-graduate course in broadcast journalism and get a job in local radio.
Admittedly there are a couple of variables at play – Simon Cowell is no longer the moustache-twirling panto villain of old, and nobody really knows how three years of inaction will affect Cheryl Versini-Fernandez – but in theory it's an exciting combination.
