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(The era-defining Dutch maestro Johann Cruyff, let us not forget, combined a top-flight soccer career with a 20-a-day fag habit).
At this crucial juncture, I would either win back favour by Being There for the wronged girls (i.e. doing little plaits in their hair and saying "he's not worth it, babe" 70 times a day while nursing a burgeoning 40-a-day fag habit), or be evicted, vowing to stay true to my sham relationship with an influencer from just outside Manchester.
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Reinstate that habit immediately because, unlike fags or class A drugs, the urge for sex can fade quicker than a fake tan.
It's like smoking, for any current or previous smokers out there you'll know that the first thing you think after a meal is, 'right I need a cigarette' (fags are very moreish but I kicked the habit and so can you!).
Over time, this habit assumes the weight of a full-blown character study ("Ash fell unchecked from the end of her fag, splashing white on the knee of her gray-black leggings"), illustrating, variously, her solipsism, immaturity and wearied abdication of parental responsibility.
Kaurismäki lights another fag.
Gotta be a fag.
And a fag.
First, light fag.
A self-proclaimed "fag hag," "trash talker" and "hetero-phobe" who was "raised by drag queens," Ms. Cho muses loudly, profanely and at length on gay and lesbian mating habits, oral sex and pornography, both gay and straight.
Have a quick fag (optional).
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Justyna Jupowicz-Kozak
CEO of Professional Science Editing for Scientists @ prosciediting.com